Sunday, May 26, 2013

Being Normal

I entitle this post "On Being Normal" because sometimes I lose track of that. I've recently watched an interview with one of my favorite artists, Emilie Autumn, who is bipolar (like me) who had some interesting things to say about being "normal."

I was on medication for a large part of last year, and have recently taken myself off of it because of budget concerns. You wouldn't believe the cost of psychiatric care in this country, even if you have insurance. During the time that I was on medication I found myself very much incapable of finding this PLACE inside my head from which I create. There is the headspace, and in that place I am able to look at a blank piece of paper or canvas (or even the margin of a brochure about plants) and know what I need to put there. I am usually able to draw quickly and execute an entire thing with little effort.

When I started on medication I wasn't able to get there anymore. I had to relearn how to create in that space again, and I wasn't sure where to start. This is when I started to draw my Greek Goddesses series, which at the time were my happy place, but I look at now, and I'm feeling a disconnect. I'm wondering if this disconnect is because I'm no longer on medication and can no longer connect to those characters that I felt so close to at the time.

Every time I pick up a pencil and think about drawing lately I'm feeling bad because I know that I've created some what of a following online for this style that I've been doing, but my change in headspace has changed my motivations, and I'm not sure where to begin. I want to draw ugly, disgusting things. I want to draw things that I feel, but don't know how to explain in words. I have a fear of showing those things to people and them saying, "Meh, not as good as your older stuff."

I want to get my hands dirty and break things. I want to get in touch with this inner goth kid that I've been squelching for the past year because I've been wanting to fit in again. I've wanted people to approve of me. I want to be in touch with me again. And I don't know where to begin with it.

Being normal is not me, and it has been hard pretending. I don't want to play anymore. I want to scream.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

It's ours!

These past couple of weeks have gone by in a whirlwind. I have been constantly busy and constantly working my ass off. We bought a house yesterday. Then, we started working on it. I have been working on the dining room and kitchen first, since they are the most immediately accessible. I am exhausted. I'm trying to come up with something witty to say, but I haven't been able to come up with anything yet. I'm going to go take a bath. :)